Alice in Wonderland

'Alice in Wonderland', a fairytale full of fantasy. A story told multiple times by generations to generations. Did you ever wonder when was it written? 20 years or 50 years back? actually, nearly 150 years back!! it was written in 1865 by English author Charles Lutwidge Dodgson under the pseudonym Lewis Carroll. 

A girl falls in a rabbit hole and reaches to a wonderland where she meets many creatures. Tale plays with logic, enjoyed by children and adults alike.

Why on the earth am I talking about something talked about numerous time? No, it is not about the critiques or praise or anything of that sort. What I kept on thinking for past few days or weeks or probably on and off, for a real long time, that don't we live in wonderland too? so what if it is not-so-defying-logic, so what if it does not look like one? To me, it is named as corporate world.

Let me make one thing clear here, I am not thinking about it with any per-conceived notion or in any wrong sense, just trying to understand, when and where does one stops? Can anyone really stop?

At some point in time or other, we fall from rabbit hole (something really tough to get out from... first job?) too and lands on in corporate world. Well, may not be all of us took that route or reached at the same world. But most of the time story remains same. Let me elaborate a bit more why I think so? A dialogue which, for me, sums it up (from the movie) - "You have to run faster and faster to stay at your place." This is true more than anything, more than anywhere else but at the corporate world. Being good is no longer good enough. One must keep trying for higher and higher, more and more, faster and faster.

If you do what you have always done, you will get what you have always got. It is not that something is wrong, we never felt it as wrong, we are so used to it or probably competition at every level has gone so fierce that earlier it was said that there is always room on top, now that room has got smaller and ladder going up has shrunk. 

How far an individual can rise with fair means and more importantly being honest to oneself? Probably there is no limit to this, but to my imagination only.  One more thought came across me, 'Everyone rises to one's incapability.' ... make sense, I think. 

This eventually turns out to be a rat-race as one of my friend put it as, aptly. Point here is, why there is always a distinct differentiation between doers and achievers? Try to list down 5 or 10 (big-shots, successful, racks to riches types) people who you can recall instantaneously, chances are 9 or more people in the list would have a history where they dared to break out from this dilemma and took some drastic decision, with an entirely different vision. Minute I realize this (which happens so many times, sad, again), an itch starts somewhere within me. Unfortunately, it dies so soon that I could not do much about it. Following passion is probably not as difficult as identifying it at the first place. What kills it? system, environment, Monday blues, laziness, fear of uncharted territory, fear of failure, society at large, upbringing, loads of responsibilities? what??

Do I have such spark? what that spark is? How do I change myself? How do I get over from this uncomfortable feeling of running faster and faster without making any real progress? Probably I, myself am holding it back, tightly, from within.

Ah... yes, this is very much mid life crisis... MY MID LIFE CRISIS...

Are you an Atheist?

Some days back someone asked me somewhere, are you an Atheist? I was awestruck, I thought I knew the answer with pretty much surety but nothing, absolutely nothing came out of me. Seeing my surprised look and then blank face, that person left me alone, but the question; that stuck with me, kept on baffling me.I tried to find the answer so that I could sleep without thoughts or at least with fewer thoughts. I am still struggling. What are you going to read is my struggle with this question.

I feel pain at times when I see differently able people or less fortunate people. At the same time I get filled up with gratitude towards something, someone there. These brave people struggle with every single moment,still smile never wipes off, no crib about their situation or problems, that great confidence with which they tackle life… all this gives me lot of courage to fight my own.

I try to help people not really consciously, but mostly that feeling also comes without any sign. May not be often, yet suddenly I see someone who I thought need help, may be a small push and I just do that. I say thank you to people without any extra effort because more often than not, that smile in return, really feels good.

When I see my own troubles I do get depressed and start looking for a shoulder for comfort, for a warm hug to get rid of my insecurity.Many a times I don’t find any, not even a person to talk with.

Then what do I do? Sometimes I talk to my mom. Nothing about situation, just talk anything. Mostly all I want to hear her voice. Sometimes I talk to my other support system, my elder brother and other family members. That heals to a large extent, but sometimes wounds are deeper and even this conscious effort does not help completely.

That is the time, something helps me to come out of that bad mood and I don’t know what. Some kid will come and play with me for some time or just pass a smile from the back of the vehicle which was running in front of me; some stranger pats me and says thank you; sometime even a non verbal communication from birds, animals; sometime a beautiful scene is painted by nature in front of me or some old forgotten song is heard from nowhere, which I was trying to hum few days back. Just like a wish come true and my mood get elevated almost within no time.

I remember very vividly, once when I was entering a mall after parking my vehicle. A lady (security person) was on duty just after the metal detector. The moment I pass her, almost not paying any attention to her presence, She greeted me ‘good evening sir’ with a genuine smile. I was surprised for a moment as I thought I missed the metal detector and she is stopping me.But I was wrong. It was just a warm gesture. It humbled me.

What are these? Mere co-incidents? Some signs? Who or what brings them to me? Him, the Almighty, the God, Bhagwanji? I don’t know, don’t understand. I feel less (at times really very less) connection with any such power at most of the places. At few places, which may or may not be ‘spiritual’ or ‘religious’ kind or places, my faith comes alive, but for whom? I guess for no one, not even for myself. I could hardly feel. I just become me, does not matter how small or a long period that be but I just don’t feel. That moment,one of thoughtlessness, probably nothing exists. If nothing exists, what relaxes me, energies me so much. I even forget to make a wish. Again I remain awestruck.

This whole exercise brings me back to square one, what does it means when I say I am a believer or I am an atheist?? Oh God…send me some help to find out the answer.