to - My Love

Dearest you,

I am finally here, expressing myself openly and completely to you. This is my first ever such letter and, mostly, is the last one too. I loved you no end since the day I saw you. What started as a mere attraction, came a long way before growing as love; deep meaningful Love. The first thing I noticed about you was your pretty smile and child like look; I still cherish those memories as my precious memories. Later I found so many attractive things in you, which probably I was searching in myself, I saw them in you. You were attractive, you were bubbly, you were spontaneous, you had sweet smile and yet I found you broken somewhere inside. I wished to help you but did not know how? Sadly you never let me come close enough to you emotionally, except for a few occasions. Probably I was also not able to fill the gap and to support you when you needed me the most. Whatever was the reason, result was the same – we were never close friends. This fact hurts me no limits.

I stayed in hostel during my MBA, as it was a residential course. Population of female members in our batch outnumbered male students. Though I was never famous among ladies, still they used to confine in me while discussing their personal matter. They felt quite comfortable with me… at least I felt it that way. No, don’t take it otherwise; actually it was all due to my hobby – palmistry. They used to come to me to share their problems. That level of comfort you never had with me. All I wanted to share your sorrows, your problems, your loneliness and to see you smiling like you used to smile earlier when you were younger.

Believe me; you have grown up far mature than your physical age. You smile a lot less these days. I request you to find someone with whom you are at ease and share a laugh more often. Your glow is reducing. You don’t want to see your reflection in Naina in the movie Kal Ho Na Ho, right? She had to learn back smiling like exercise… 1.. 2.. 3.. smile..! remember? Don’t let that happen to you ever.

I find myself being possessive about you and feel so bad that I am not able to exercise it even in the slightest manner. I felt jealous when you pointed out someone else as your best friend, I felt furious when you told me about your ‘love’, and I felt broke when you told me indirectly that I am just an acquaintance to you. I felt terrible when you visited my city for more than week and did not call me even once leave alone meeting. I cried inside me. Later, I recovered after struggling within. Later I found my love for you did not diminish any bit but grew more. I am happy with my one sided love. I understood after a long time, why do they say that Love is unconditional. Love can only be unconditional or else it becomes expectation. Yes, I join them, Love IS unconditional. It just happens and remains there.

I feel happy when I see you smiling, laughing and enjoying anything. I feel happy when I listen to you on phone, happier if I could see you along with listening. I keep trying to find ways to entertain you whenever possible. I have seen my day being better when I see you no matter for an hour or for a second.

Honesty and truthfulness to self, prompt me to write correct things here and hence I have to admit few things in front of you. First thing, you are not the first or only love of my life, there are more. There are always more love than one could have with one. There are many things/people that a person loves. Nation, family, job, lot of ‘first’ things/moments of life, self and other lovers too. Order of the above may change a bit from time to time, though not much. Also I have past too. Another thing, which I want to admit, might shock you and hence I wish to tell you that only when we meet face to face. Rest assured, I will admit it to you when right time strikes.

Have you ever felt being in love? I am sure you must have. Try to recall that endless joy when you accepted being in love for the first time, how strongly you wanted to share it with someone? Now put me in that position and you will realize whole purpose of this letter. This one is not to force you to love me but to express my love and to let you know about it. Nothing is expected in return, not even reply. Hence whatever comes, will be a surprising bonus to me.

You know something? Ending a letter or article or write-up or even blog is the second hardest thing; first is to start it…! First thing is done, second is remaining… what could be the best way? I think keeping it open ended would be the best. Second best would be to close it with a wish. I take the second one – May the Almighty give you immense joy and pleasure in your life and you always spread love and smile.

Cheers,

Me.

Dipawali

Hi....
This is the time of the year when we celebrate out and out. Whole house and everyone at home get involve in it. Every possible nuke and corner is cleaned up and in due course lot of memories comes back alive. Some we cherish, some we ignore. Also it demands a bit of introspection too. Cleaning is required there too, that makes it complete.
Sometimes I wonder how this finest festive is so rightly scheduled in tune with changes in the weather. Right at the time when Monsoon is abiding goodbye and season is taking a new turn. When this might have come in existence? who might have thought of, for the first time, to start celebrating in such a grand way, like 5 days in a stretch? It is truly a celebration of life.
This has started to shape up like an essay which I would not like it to be. So I will sum it up with sharing one small question which I recently found an answer in our mythology. Since childhood I heard that when भगवान श्री राम चन्द्र जी came back after completing his 14 years of वनवास and लंका विजय, Whole अयोध्या was lit-up to celebrate and that is one of the prime reasons for celebrating दीपावली. Accepted without any issues. What I wonder was how come returning of Ramji was linked with pooja of लक्ष्मी जी on this night?? and is there any other incident took place in mythological/historical books which marks this day??
I read about a few just a couple of days back, that लक्ष्मी जी was the 14th and the most precious रत्न (Gem) coming out of churning of the sea (समुद्र मंथन) and this was the day. Hence this day is linked with लक्ष्मी जी as well.

Share your views too...!!!
by the way do you wonder which could be the day when श्री राम चंद्र जी left for वनवास 14 years back?? think of it.

I take this opportunity to wish you on the occasion.

Wishing you a very happy, prosperous and safe Dipawali. May this festive of lights brings health, wealth, cheer and fun to your life and brightens it up more than ever before.

दीपावली की हार्दिक शुभकामनाएं... भगवान से प्रार्थना है की वो आपकी दुनिया को स्वास्थ्य, दौलत, हँसी और खुशी से रौशन करे। यह दिन हम सभी को अपने भीतर की बुराई पे विजय पाने के लिए प्रेरित करे, इसी शुभ कामना सहित।

Regards,

Sandy

Roller Coaster Ride - part II

The RIDE continues here...

For me those burst were the start of the ride, it's not that it was always downward slope all the way or else it would have been a downfall only and not exactly a roller coaster ride. So I had good times too and have come out of it to a larger extend. What is the gist of the ride that I became more thoughtful, more understanding, more mature, more strong than before. I started believing more in self. Here I can state one more saying which unfolded itself in front of me - even the gold has to face fire to become purer. For us that fire is nothing but the tough time. It helps us to grow in some or the other way. Our reaction to it and our choice at the moment defines and shapes us.

Being just thankful to my dear friend, who was not just hearing but was listening me for all those hours, will not justify or come anywhere closer to what he gave me then. I can't even put right word to show my gratitude for it. Anyways putting words to feelings mostly do not reach to the level of feelings hence I don't intend to do so. I take that with me and treasure it.

I really feel, I start drifting from the story so quickly. Where is my screen play?? let the flash back continues...
After that night I felt so light and so strong that I thought I could take the world head on. Later in the day I cherished life. I knew how much burden I was carrying on me of not letting things out and leaving that behind gave me strength and thus my coaster was on a high. Again right from the high point, coaster come down and comes really speeding. Only time it did not catch me unaware. We got confirmed news that apart from filing false FIR with police, my wife has taken it one more step forward and filed a private petition for the same thing. Next cause of tension at home were not the consequences of case but the first pain point was the fear of police appearing someday at home with summons or warrant or something more embarrassing and hurting. This fear translated in agony and anger. When we talked to different well-wishers of ours (this part was mostly done by my parents), different view points came up and to add on worry and tension, different version of what-could-go-wrong or how we could go from frying pan to fire, these types of ideas keep flowing in and all I was doing at that time was trying to avoid them as much as possible and also trying to keep my parents away from thinking about it. I tried and tried very hard NOT to think about bad things what could happen and even harder to think, rather imagine, what best could happen. We understood that bailable warrants might be waiting for us and we were not sure how to deal with it. Basically till then bail and bailable warrant or any other warrant were just the words we heard mostly (probably only) in movies. This time, these were in real life. This fear of unknown grabbed us pretty strongly. Discussion with different advocate was nothing less confusing. Technically there were hardly any differences but the approach for them was as different as it could be. Someone was suggesting to dodge it, someone on the other hand said to go out and face it upfront. As I said earlier, we always have a choice so we chose to face it once for all. No doubt, hundred and thousand of thoughts keep coming and going. Bhaiya keep on thinking and sharing thoughts with me like we should do this, we can do that, probably this way is good and that person can be trusted and so on and so forth. Meanwhile on surface I kept my cool avtar on, yet just below the surface, I was also feeling anguish and heat of the moment was there to grab me any moment. Still it was not as bad probably and what gave me confidence and support was a book named "The Secret". I was reading it for quite some time now and it acted as a shield. I tried to pass on the theory to all the people at home and succeeded in it to certain extent. After that night when I came back home I did not come alone, yet another book on the same line was with me. (given by the same friend, who I talked about earlier here) This one was a translated one in my mother tongue and hence I was quick to follow. I have no second thoughts about it, YES, these books gave me much needed strength and support to think and to act. Here I say one more old saying with more faith than before - "Books are the best friends"

HOPE was the virtue which kept us afloat in tough time. We all acted with it back in mind and took the challenges. We tried to gather as much support as we could and found few harsh points regarding who we can trust and who we can't. But then positive point came out that we actually realized what we could not in last so many years. They say, characters are best tested against the tough time and nothing could be more true than this for us. We now see pretty clearly who will stand up with us and who will not... A very valuable learning. Also I understand with more clarity why people are warned against 'keeping all the eggs in one basket' and what it actually means. Now we play our cards more selectively and more prudently.

Meanwhile I traveled a lot, mostly the reason were the cases only and I kept shuttling between Raipur and Bhopal. However, whenever possible I take some time out for myself and relaxed in it. Traveling to new places all alone always work for me as the best medicine. I traveled to Mumbai, Pune, Bhojpur, Dewas and Indore during small gaps in my shuttling. Though these places were not new (except Bhojpur, I visited it for the first time) to me, still I found myself, enjoying. These small time fun and relaxation were good enough for me to keep up.

So, finally the D-Day arrived and from 4 different places we all gathered at Bhopal. Papaji went to our ancestor's village where our ages old Mandir is situated and from there he reached Bhopal, Bhaiya came from his posting place, Mammiji and Deedee came from Raipur (though Bhaiya came to Raipur first to take Mammiji and Deedee with him) I reached via Mumbai and this time in Mumbai I understand a thing or two about the movie making and that is where 'screen play' word came in my dictionary. These travels might form yet another story but not for now. We all spent our one day before the hearing, in tension, though it was not as high because we have decided how to go about it and what to do and what NOT to do. While having morning breakfast in a restaurant I suddenly realized one pretty pleasant thing after a long time, whole family of my parents, Mammiji, Papaji and we 3 children, were sitting together. Of course family has expanded a lot, Bhabhiji came in like 15 years back and 3 kids, my two bhatije and one bhanji makes us a proud family of 9. but then all our timings of having breakfast is so very different.
What happened finally? We got the bail for all of us with considerable ease, yes the process itself took almost whole 'working' day but then at the end of it we were pretty much relaxed. Accepted that war is still far from over, yet we won a big battle, a battle in our mind, a battle of keeping our moral high and we are hopeful that soon a solution will be within the sight.

What I need at this juncture of time ? good wishes from all of you. I have learned to count the blessings. This ride might have reached on a plateau and is seemingly easy but I know it can turn up and down anytime and I will be ready for it this time.

Roller Coaster Ride

ROLLER COASTER ... my dream ride...!!!

I always wanted to experience it and how. Recently I realized something more to it. I experienced roller coaster ride and that too without a roller coaster. No, it was not a virtual reality one, neither was it on a game or a freaky ride on road. Any other guesses?? no it was not any of those which ends up in a short span. Actually what I felt was far more deep and far more impacting. You may ask why and how? It was more impacting because even the most uncertain roller coaster has planned turns, ups and downs but the roller coaster of emotions have none. Yes I have been through an emotional roller coaster. I felt different emotions in so quick succession and so abruptly that roller coaster came the closest to explain it. Couple of years back I went through one very intense feeling but that was just one and still I took so much time to overcome it. This time, in last couple of months I went through more and continuous ones.

Frustration was one of the initial lot, then later desperation, agony, irritation, fear, anger, tension etc. followed, not necessarily in the same order or just one at a time or not even like one only once, but repeatedly and without any prior indication or sign. To make me to sustain myself there were also strength, hope, feeling of not being alone, joy, happiness and finally came relaxation. Not exactly a final word but for the given short span of time, like last 2 months, I have finally got some relaxation. All these emotion put together was nothing short of a roller coaster. Believe me I have realized so many things in this time period which might have taken me a lot of time to understand. Now trust, far more then before, in those 'golden words' (as people generally like to refer them) I think they have actually come out of such experiences only. Sure enough not from only one experience or from only one's experiences and that's why they seems more acceptable when I went through it personally.

Typical of me, I am thinking and talking to self more and now I understand your difficulty in following up. Let me take the story few months back.

Due to the failed marriage and related issues that cramp-in-the-neck kinda feeling for long, gave rise to the first of the down in my ride, which founds its way through frustration; frustration of not being able to do any thing to save myself of my family from it. This was the period some 2 months back, every single step seems to be frozen in time and hope of seeing a solution was dampening day by day; virtually nothing was happening positive to me; or atleast I was feeling that way. This made the way for frustration to set in. Some introspection began from nowhere and I realized that root was getting it's nourishment from some other source too which was nothing but my desperation and quickly I felt desperation so intensely that I never felt before, almost it was like first time I felt I am being desperate. My frustration was not only from feeling of a loser or a failure but also from deep undying wish to scream on top of my voice, let someone at least one to hear it. I wanted to cry hard and let things out of me. Lastly one night I got that very moment for which I was waiting so desperately, darkness to hide my tears and someone to hear it out patiently. To my surprised I kept on talking for some 4 hours or probably even more and then I slept, I slept like a baby and woke up feeling so afresh next morning, obviously late-morning. That was one of the initial things which made me to believe few old sayings like रोने से दिल हल्का हो जाता है yes it happens. similarly I learned many things during up-downs, twists and turns of my roller coaster. Basically I guess I grew up little faster than normal course. Probably it was necessary for me as I might not have grown up as I should have been till now. This thought made me to understand few more golden sayings like 'better late than never' and 'whatever happens, happens for good' and few more. Again shortage of word is purely mine as they flow way too slowly compared to my thought train, as I mentioned in my initial posts.
Anyways I will come back and take the ride forward and we will come to 'today' in upcoming episodes of it. I guess I need someone better who know which scene to put where to bring out the story in more effective way... screen play I am talking about; and did I tell you that 'screen play' is also a new thing I recently learned during this ride of mine? wait for next part for details.

:-)

यात्रा और जीवन

यात्रायें हम सभी करते हैं और काफ़ी करते हैं। जब हम किसी यात्रा की तैयारी करते हैं तो किस बारे में ज्यादा ख्याल रखते हैं? वैसे तो इस पर सभी की राय अलग अलग हो सकती है और यात्रा के उद्देश्य पर भी निर्भर होता है कि किस बात पर सबसे ज्यादा जोर दिया जाये। लेकिन एक बात लगभग समान ही होती है कि कुल सामान कम से कम हो। हमारी जरुरतों की परिभाषा अचानक से छोटी हो जाती है, प्राथमिकतायें बदल जाती हैं, दृष्टिकोण बदल जाता है। यदि आप अकेले चल रहे हों तो यह दायरा और भी संकुचित हो जाता है। घर पर जो चीज ‘जरुरत’ की श्रेणी में होती थी अब वही चीज ‘कम जरूरी’ या शायद ‘गैर-जरूरी’ श्रेणी में आ जाती है। मसलन वो बीस जोड़ी कपड़े अब फालतू जगह घेरने वाले दिखते हैं और सिर्फ चार-पांच या शायद और भी कम आपके लिये ‘पर्याप्त’ हो जाते हैं। कमोबेश यही हाल हर चीज का होता है। अचानक ही हम ‘संतोषी’ प्रवृत्त्ति के होने लगते हैं। अचानक ही हम समझौता करने के लिये तैयार हो जाते हैं, दूसरों से नहीं, अपने आप से समझौता करने के लिये। अगर आप के साथ आपके प्रिय लोग भी हैं तो उनके प्रति आप एक अलग जिम्मेदारी के भाव से भर जाते हैं।
शायद सोच में आने वाला यह बदलाव उन बड़े कारणों में से एक रहा होगा जिसके चलते महान लोगों ने जीवन को यात्रा के रूप मे परिभाषित, स्वीकार और प्रचारित किया। जीवन को यात्रा रूप में मानने के और भी इतने ही वज़नदार कारण और दृष्टिकोण बताये जा सकते है। मिसाल के तौर पर, दोनों में एक निश्चित उद्देश्य का होना, अपने आप में पर्याप्त और महत्वपूर्ण समानता है जो कि जीवन को यात्रा रूप में देखा जाना सार्थक करता है। संपूर्ण कर्मयोग भी इसी विचारधारा का समर्थन करता हुआ दिखता है।
एक बार आप जान लें कि यात्रा और जीवन के बीच कितनी समानतायें हैं फिर देखिये जीवन के प्रति दृष्टिकोण कितनी जल्दी बदल जाता है। जरूरतों का आकार सिमटने लगता है। प्राथमिकतायें लगभग तुरंत ही बदलने लगती हैं। ऐसा नहीं है कि भौतिक और मूलभूत आवश्यकतायें अचानक से गायब हो जायेंगी ना ही आप बैरागी या सन्यासी हो जायेंगे लेकिन जो बातें पहले अतिमहत्वपूर्ण थीं शायद उनका क्रम काफी नीचे आ जायेगा या हो सकता है वो अब अपना स्वरूप बदल लें। एप्पल के संस्थापकों में से एक – स्टीव जॉब्स् का प्रश्न भी इसी विचार के समानांतर चलता है। उनका कहना है कि जब आप जीवन के किसी बहुत महत्वपूर्ण मोड़ पर खड़े हों तो अपने आप से पूछें कि आप का निर्णय क्या होता यदि यह दिन आपकी ज़िन्दगी का आखिरी दिन होता? यह प्रश्न भी प्राथमिकताओं के निर्धारण के लिये बहुत ही उपयुक्त सिद्ध हो सकता है अंतर सिर्फ इस बात का है कि यह प्रश्न जीवन के एक मोड़ पर खड़े व्यक्ति की तत्कालीन, सबसे महत्वपूर्ण चाहत को उभार कर सामने ला देता है, जिसे हम कह सकते हैं दिल की आवाज़ को सुनना। वहीं जीवन को यात्रा रूप में स्वीकारना बड़े और व्यापक स्तर पर प्राथमिकता निर्धारण में मदद करता है और दूरदर्शिता भी देता है।
मेरा उद्देश्य धार्मिक या आध्यात्मिक चिंतन नहीं है परंतु आध्यात्मिकता का पुट आना इतना अप्रासंगिक भी नहीं है क्योंकि जीवन और आध्यात्म एक ही सिक्के के दो पहलू होते हैं। थोड़ा विषय परिवर्तन हो चला है, वापस यात्रा और जीवन की निकटता का उदाहरण देखते हैं। क्या आपने कभी गौर किया है कि यात्रा के वक्त कुछ ही देर में आप अपने कितने अधिक नज़दीक हो जाते हैं? आप चाहें या ना चाहें आपके विचार आपको वहां ले जाते हैं जहां आप रोज की भागमभाग वाली दिनचर्या में नहीं जा पाते। भला क्यों? शायद इसलिये कि यात्रा में दीगर बातों से आप कट जाते हैं, मोबाईल का नेटवर्क आपका साथ छोड़ देता है और आपको अपने पास बैठने का बेहद जरूरी वक्त मिल जाता है। यात्रा का माध्यम कुछ भी हो पर आप शायद और बहुत सी चीजों पर गौर करने लायक वक्त निकाल सकते हैं। मसलन सड़क के किनारे खेलते वो बच्चे, तेजी से पीछे जाती पेड़ों की कतारें, शाम का डूबता सूरज, बादल, तारों भरा आसमान (पिछली बार कब आपने इतने तारों को एक साथ देखा था जरा याद करने की कोशिश कीजिये) और भी ढेर सारी चीजें जिसमें आप स्वयं भी शामिल हैं। अब सोचिये यदि एक छोटी यात्रा इतनी ‘नयी’ चीजें आपके सामने ला सकती है तो समग्र जीवन को यात्रा के रूप में देखना कितनी नयी बातें आपके सामने ला देगा? कई बार जो विचार यात्रा के दौरान आते रहते हैं उनके स्तर पर तब जा पाना जब आप अपने गंतव्य पर पहुंच जाते हैं, बहुत ही चुनौती भरा हो जाता है। यकीन जानिये इस पूरे विचार का प्रारंभ मेरी एक यात्रा से ही हुआ था, आज या कल नहीं पर काफी दिनों पहले। मुझे इन विचारों को शब्दों में ढालने में बहुत ज्यादा वक्त लगा। लेखकों जैसी प्रखर दृष्टि और क्षमता ना होने से विचार मूल रूप में रख पाना मेरे लिये बड़ी मशक्कत का काम हो जाता है। लेख को अंत में एक मोड़ देना और भी दुरूह है, आपका सहयोग काफी मददगार होगा। इसलिये आपसे अनुरोध करता हूं कि आप अपने अमूल्य अनुभव, विचार, समीक्षा जो भी आप उचित समझें, जरूर साझा करें।

Black Hole V/s Black Coat

Sure enough, everyone of us have heard about those tiny in size yet mighty in power, unseen till date, surrounded by mysteries inter-galactic-objects known as Black Hole. What are they best known for?? For their enormous suction ability what scientists have named as gravitational force. They have it so immense that even light can’t escape from black hole. Here on earth also you can feel that suction force from a very similar object… it’s a BLACK COAT. Not all the black coats come under the same category but when it is worn as a uniform suddenly it turns its suction capacity full on. Chances are that you on the same page with me, still just to keep it simple, I am referring to coat worn by a liar … gee… I mean a lawyer. Have you ever thought why they just don’t drop that black coat even in the hottest summer? Or who might have given this uniform to them? Somewhere some law of nature was at work and put things in pretty much in ‘black-and-white’ and made that person to pick it this way. Let’s see how this analogy works? To me that black coat is equivalent to a black hole which only knows to pull things into it (I am still fully convinced that ‘suck’ would be a far better fitted word, a vacuum cleaner at work describes it the best). Black hole leaves nothing out, but this black coat knows nothing other than money, does not matter how big or how small, it can travel only one way... from out of black coat to in the black coat. White shirt inside that coat is very synonymous to the soul … clean soul. And you see how small of that soul remains visible out of that black hole or black coat? Interestingly bigger the coat becomes lesser and still lesser soul remains visible. From one who mostly keeps all the buttons of the coat open, biggest part of white shirt remain visible. Then you have someone with only one button up and then two then three. More sophisticated they become less white shirt or less soul is in work. The one who becomes big name, starts wearing a round neck coat leaving not a square inch of the white shirt out of the coat. Height of the interesting correlation, isn’t it? Like this big suction thing the ‘black coat’ has overpowered the sanctity of the soul and whatever is left is just money and money. There might exist far and few exceptions too and as the nature says, exceptions make the rule perfect. There must be handful of people in this particular community who still listen to the heart and soul, and they run by cleanliness of the white shirt over the sucking power of the coat. However they do not wear it over the coat to prove it. Had that not the case, whole system would have crumbled long before.
This analogy of black hole does not end with color and sucking capabilities but goes even further. Black holes are judged and located in the space by finding distraction and by finding location where unexpectedly ‘nothing’ could be seen. Because they stop even light so we cannot see them directly. This also fit in with black coat, accepted that coat is very much visible but what that can do to you is not seen until You actually feel it by hiring one for your work. Once you come in so called ‘professional contact’ with them you start feeling the silent vacuum cleaner working and digging big holes in your pocket, your health, your time… every damn thing. No matter how much both have sucked, they always remain hungry for more and more.
One side there are similarities between two, there are differences too. Black holes suck every physical thing possible around them – gas, planet, dying stars even light. Black coat are mostly inclined towards one physical thing – money and more money and not to forget they suck more non-physical things like humanity, truthfulness, honesty etc. from the one who wears it.There are many other correlated points which could be discussed but I would like to stop here and would like to leave you with a question to ponder upon? Do you think having a Black Coat‘ed’ person as your own family member helps you protecting from their mighty greed?

Shaken but not broken

For last so many days several times I started jotting down my thoughts but could not finish, hence no update on the blog either. Now I think blog or diary is not a fabrication of the thoughts but raw heart opened in front of self, so I went back to my initial half written part and brought it here.
Marriage is supposed to be one of the biggest corner stone of life. When it shakes, life is bound to get tremors; no matter how hard one or both have tried. Problem starts when even after marriage, family members of girl, think that not only they CAN STILL control their daughter’s life but they MUST do it and do it with remote control. Things go from bad to worse when that girl believes that yes it is correct and she wants to keep herself as a girl only and refuses to grow up as a lady, leave alone as a ‘mature lady’. Why am I saying all these?? Because precisely this happened in my life and now, ‘I WANT TO DESTROY YOU…’ is the scream from my wife and her mad advocate brother is happy to fuel the fire on every single occasion.
I never claimed that I was never wrong but sure I put my whole hearted efforts to get things back on track, not once or twice but many times. Finally when I could not hold it anymore I filed divorce case. Now my wife says though she does not want to live with me but she does not even wish to let me live with peace. Why? Because I filed divorce case, she has to retaliate and the best way to do so is to ruin my social, professional, financial and personal life. Now she and her advocate brother both are trying to put lot of pressure not only through legal ways (by filing cases and false FIR) but also through spreading bad word across society about me and my family.
Nitty-gritty of ‘why’, ‘when’, ‘how’ etc. could run in pages and that is not my objective, but the results (or ‘consequences’ would be a better word) of the grind is joblessness in dull time; consistent fear of police action (mostly in my parents’ minds, quite natural, mammiji is 65 years and papaji is 73 years old now); running from pillar to post (every month at least once from Raipur to Bhopal); my friend circle invasion by my wife (wish if I could write ‘ex-wife’) herself and by her advocate brother via orkut & not the least, facing word-poison in the society spread by her family.
Today morning when I finished reading news paper lot many other things I was wondering about and was very excited about penning them down by the day end but then this is what happened I ended up with my failed marriage life’s subject only. Promise to come up with something better next time. Meanwhile here is something else … would surely be looking forward for your critical comments!

क्या सच में दर्द शायर बना देता है? पता नहीं, पर इधर कुछ लिखने की बात तो उठी है मन में... वही पेश-ए-ख़िदमत है --

अधूरापन

रिश्तों के त्रासद अधूरेपन की ये कहानी
जो चला मैं ज़िंदगी को सुनाने,
उसे भा गयी मेरी बेचारगी
हंस कर समझाया उसने, मिज़ाज मौसम का
है अभी पुरवाई थोड़ी कम, ज्यादा आँधी-पानी
आधे अधूरे सपने और खुशियां भी आधी
अधूरा सफ़र और मंज़िलें भी बस आधी,
गोया कि मेरे अधूरेपन के आधे किस्से
पूरे हो पायेंगे इसी तरह, रह कर आधे
कहा तू जैसे चाहे वैसे हिसाब लगा ले
अभी फल मिलेगा बस यही

क्यों??
क्योंकि तुझ पर भारी है शनि की साढ़े साती

पर जानता हूँ मैं और मानता भी हूँ
के वक़्त कभी एक सा नहीं होता है
जो होता है, बस अच्छे के लिये होता है

देखूंगा मैं भी के जंग का आखिरी मुकाम क्या होता है
कब तलक मेरी किस्मत का बादशाह रूठा रह्ता है?
सख़्त वक़्त सबब बनता है इंसानों को परखने का
के आग से ना गुजरे तो सोना भी नहीं चमकता है

shades

At times I wonder what is the fastest thing on the earth and even beyond earth? Science guys (I am no exception) mostly jump on the answer – light!! and yes they are not wrong in their answer, but then, I think there is something which is even finer and faster than light – THOUGHTS. They go everywhere and almost in no time. Debate could go on and on but my point is not to initiate a debate on this. Have you ever come across a point where you suddenly miss what you were thinking not days or hours but few seconds before? Or you miss which channel you were watching for last half an hour; while surfing channels merely for couple of minutes? It happens with me sometimes and then I realize that why did I miss these things; my thoughts in those seconds were wondering so fast that I could not catch them in a systematic way which we call as ‘Thinking Process’. Someone has rightly said about himself (but it applies to everyone who can) ‘I think, therefore I am’ and when my thoughts go beyond my capacity of catching them, I start feeling agitated, irritated and uncomfortable with myself. I came across the crossroad many times and every time found this kind of haphazard thoughts running across myself. Of course, I am talking about crossroads in life; on road my head remain far clearer. These days I am again facing tough time and this time I am left in the field and I don’t even have the crossing roads ahead of me. I am feeling more like lost in the ocean without a compass and thoughts are not only chasing each other but are creating a total chaos. What am I doing? What am I going to do next? Do I have any future? Will I be able to stand back and look into the eyes of life again? How? When? Yes, I know people out there have gone through far worse situations and have not only pulled up but also created history, few noticed by the world, lot more in their own world which none of the outside world will ever come to know about. That does not make their success inferior in tiniest sense of the word. All these known and unknown stories are the idol for me and I hope even I will be out of ‘चक्रव्यहू’ sooner or later. Question remains about how, when and at what cost? I know there is a philosopher in me which keeps popping out at times, especially when these random thoughts get within my reach and I manage to analyze them. This time I need him the most and he is not able to catch anything. In the movie ‘ तारे ज़मीन पर’, Nikumbh (Aamir Khan’s character) said that when you are in a good mood, hand will automatically pick the bright colors and when you are in a sad mood, hand picks dark and gloomy colors mostly. So some dark and sad shades are bound to be there in next few pages of my diary.

आरम्भ

So finally I found how to type in हिन्दी over here... may be for some people it might be too obvious to see that 'अ' on the editting line but I really missed it and finding it was a shear pleasure.

This blog, as the name suggests, will be virtual alter ego of myself so mostly I will try to put my thoughts on various aspects of self whenever I could pen down them. Most of the time my thoughts run random and wild, hope they will become more interesting with time. months back I tried with blogging for the first time and was not able to share with anyone just because of my laziness. Guess it's little too long to bring it out again. However, this time I think I am ready to put self in open.

One of my close friends, who writes on a very higher level, inspired me to write or more aptly 'to blog', no not by telling but when I talked to him and read his thought on his blogs I thought hey this is a very interesting way to bring my thoughts up and here I am, writing it.

No need to wonder why I am still writing in English when I started on a note on writing in हिन्दी sometime later. here. As I said earlier my thoughts run random and many times before when I tried with keyboard, I ended up so slow typing that my thoughts evaporated before they could actually be caught. I will surely write in

So I invite you to keep visiting my page and don't hesitate to write back to me. I am evolving and hope to get better with time and with your help.

Sandy