Some days back someone asked me somewhere, are you an Atheist?
I was awestruck, I thought I knew the answer with pretty much surety but
nothing, absolutely nothing came out of me. Seeing my surprised look and
then blank face, that person left me alone, but the question; that stuck
with me, kept on baffling me.I tried to find the answer so that I could
sleep without thoughts or at least with fewer thoughts. I am still
struggling. What are you going to read is my struggle with this question.
I feel pain at times when I see differently able people or less fortunate people. At the same time I get filled up with gratitude towards something, someone there. These brave people struggle with every single moment,still smile never wipes off, no crib about their situation or problems, that great confidence with which they tackle life… all this gives me lot of courage to fight my own.
I try to help people not really consciously, but mostly that feeling also comes without any sign. May not be often, yet suddenly I see someone who I thought need help, may be a small push and I just do that. I say thank you to people without any extra effort because more often than not, that smile in return, really feels good.
When I see my own
troubles I do get depressed and start looking for a shoulder for comfort,
for a warm hug to get rid of my insecurity.Many a times I don’t find
any, not even a person to talk with.
Then what do I do? Sometimes I talk to my mom. Nothing about situation, just talk anything. Mostly all I want to hear her voice. Sometimes I talk to my other support system, my elder brother and other family members. That heals to a large extent, but sometimes wounds are deeper and even this conscious effort does not help completely.
That is the time, something helps me to come out of that bad mood and I don’t know what. Some kid will come and play with me for some time or just pass a smile from the back of the vehicle which was running in front of me; some stranger pats me and says thank you; sometime even a non verbal communication from birds, animals; sometime a beautiful scene is painted by nature in front of me or some old forgotten song is heard from nowhere, which I was trying to hum few days back. Just like a wish come true and my mood get elevated almost within no time.
I remember very vividly, once when I was entering a mall after parking my vehicle. A lady (security person) was on duty just after the metal detector. The moment I pass her, almost not paying any attention to her presence, She greeted me ‘good evening sir’ with a genuine smile. I was surprised for a moment as I thought I missed the metal detector and she is stopping me.But I was wrong. It was just a warm gesture. It humbled me.
What are these? Mere co-incidents? Some signs? Who or what brings them to me? Him, the Almighty, the God, Bhagwanji? I don’t know, don’t understand. I feel less (at times really very less) connection with any such power at most of the places. At few places, which may or may not be ‘spiritual’ or ‘religious’ kind or places, my faith comes alive, but for whom? I guess for no one, not even for myself. I could hardly feel. I just become me, does not matter how small or a long period that be but I just don’t feel. That moment,one of thoughtlessness, probably nothing exists. If nothing exists, what relaxes me, energies me so much. I even forget to make a wish. Again I remain awestruck.
This whole exercise brings me back to square one, what does it means when I say I am a believer or I am an atheist?? Oh God…send me some help to find out the answer.
