ROLLER COASTER ... my dream ride...!!!
I always wanted to experience it and how. Recently I realized something more to it. I experienced roller coaster ride and that too without a roller coaster. No, it was not a virtual reality one, neither was it on a game or a freaky ride on road. Any other guesses?? no it was not any of those which ends up in a short span. Actually what I felt was far more deep and far more impacting. You may ask why and how? It was more impacting because even the most uncertain roller coaster has planned turns, ups and downs but the roller coaster of emotions have none. Yes I have been through an emotional roller coaster. I felt different emotions in so quick succession and so abruptly that roller coaster came the closest to explain it. Couple of years back I went through one very intense feeling but that was just one and still I took so much time to overcome it. This time, in last couple of months I went through more and continuous ones.
Frustration was one of the initial lot, then later desperation, agony, irritation, fear, anger, tension etc. followed, not necessarily in the same order or just one at a time or not even like one only once, but repeatedly and without any prior indication or sign. To make me to sustain myself there were also strength, hope, feeling of not being alone, joy, happiness and finally came relaxation. Not exactly a final word but for the given short span of time, like last 2 months, I have finally got some relaxation. All these emotion put together was nothing short of a roller coaster. Believe me I have realized so many things in this time period which might have taken me a lot of time to understand. Now trust, far more then before, in those 'golden words' (as people generally like to refer them) I think they have actually come out of such experiences only. Sure enough not from only one experience or from only one's experiences and that's why they seems more acceptable when I went through it personally.
Typical of me, I am thinking and talking to self more and now I understand your difficulty in following up. Let me take the story few months back.
Due to the failed marriage and related issues that cramp-in-the-neck kinda feeling for long, gave rise to the first of the down in my ride, which founds its way through frustration; frustration of not being able to do any thing to save myself of my family from it. This was the period some 2 months back, every single step seems to be frozen in time and hope of seeing a solution was dampening day by day; virtually nothing was happening positive to me; or atleast I was feeling that way. This made the way for frustration to set in. Some introspection began from nowhere and I realized that root was getting it's nourishment from some other source too which was nothing but my desperation and quickly I felt desperation so intensely that I never felt before, almost it was like first time I felt I am being desperate. My frustration was not only from feeling of a loser or a failure but also from deep undying wish to scream on top of my voice, let someone at least one to hear it. I wanted to cry hard and let things out of me. Lastly one night I got that very moment for which I was waiting so desperately, darkness to hide my tears and someone to hear it out patiently. To my surprised I kept on talking for some 4 hours or probably even more and then I slept, I slept like a baby and woke up feeling so afresh next morning, obviously late-morning. That was one of the initial things which made me to believe few old sayings like रोने से दिल हल्का हो जाता है yes it happens. similarly I learned many things during up-downs, twists and turns of my roller coaster. Basically I guess I grew up little faster than normal course. Probably it was necessary for me as I might not have grown up as I should have been till now. This thought made me to understand few more golden sayings like 'better late than never' and 'whatever happens, happens for good' and few more. Again shortage of word is purely mine as they flow way too slowly compared to my thought train, as I mentioned in my initial posts.
Anyways I will come back and take the ride forward and we will come to 'today' in upcoming episodes of it. I guess I need someone better who know which scene to put where to bring out the story in more effective way... screen play I am talking about; and did I tell you that 'screen play' is also a new thing I recently learned during this ride of mine? wait for next part for details.
:-)
I always wanted to experience it and how. Recently I realized something more to it. I experienced roller coaster ride and that too without a roller coaster. No, it was not a virtual reality one, neither was it on a game or a freaky ride on road. Any other guesses?? no it was not any of those which ends up in a short span. Actually what I felt was far more deep and far more impacting. You may ask why and how? It was more impacting because even the most uncertain roller coaster has planned turns, ups and downs but the roller coaster of emotions have none. Yes I have been through an emotional roller coaster. I felt different emotions in so quick succession and so abruptly that roller coaster came the closest to explain it. Couple of years back I went through one very intense feeling but that was just one and still I took so much time to overcome it. This time, in last couple of months I went through more and continuous ones.
Frustration was one of the initial lot, then later desperation, agony, irritation, fear, anger, tension etc. followed, not necessarily in the same order or just one at a time or not even like one only once, but repeatedly and without any prior indication or sign. To make me to sustain myself there were also strength, hope, feeling of not being alone, joy, happiness and finally came relaxation. Not exactly a final word but for the given short span of time, like last 2 months, I have finally got some relaxation. All these emotion put together was nothing short of a roller coaster. Believe me I have realized so many things in this time period which might have taken me a lot of time to understand. Now trust, far more then before, in those 'golden words' (as people generally like to refer them) I think they have actually come out of such experiences only. Sure enough not from only one experience or from only one's experiences and that's why they seems more acceptable when I went through it personally.
Typical of me, I am thinking and talking to self more and now I understand your difficulty in following up. Let me take the story few months back.
Due to the failed marriage and related issues that cramp-in-the-neck kinda feeling for long, gave rise to the first of the down in my ride, which founds its way through frustration; frustration of not being able to do any thing to save myself of my family from it. This was the period some 2 months back, every single step seems to be frozen in time and hope of seeing a solution was dampening day by day; virtually nothing was happening positive to me; or atleast I was feeling that way. This made the way for frustration to set in. Some introspection began from nowhere and I realized that root was getting it's nourishment from some other source too which was nothing but my desperation and quickly I felt desperation so intensely that I never felt before, almost it was like first time I felt I am being desperate. My frustration was not only from feeling of a loser or a failure but also from deep undying wish to scream on top of my voice, let someone at least one to hear it. I wanted to cry hard and let things out of me. Lastly one night I got that very moment for which I was waiting so desperately, darkness to hide my tears and someone to hear it out patiently. To my surprised I kept on talking for some 4 hours or probably even more and then I slept, I slept like a baby and woke up feeling so afresh next morning, obviously late-morning. That was one of the initial things which made me to believe few old sayings like रोने से दिल हल्का हो जाता है yes it happens. similarly I learned many things during up-downs, twists and turns of my roller coaster. Basically I guess I grew up little faster than normal course. Probably it was necessary for me as I might not have grown up as I should have been till now. This thought made me to understand few more golden sayings like 'better late than never' and 'whatever happens, happens for good' and few more. Again shortage of word is purely mine as they flow way too slowly compared to my thought train, as I mentioned in my initial posts.
Anyways I will come back and take the ride forward and we will come to 'today' in upcoming episodes of it. I guess I need someone better who know which scene to put where to bring out the story in more effective way... screen play I am talking about; and did I tell you that 'screen play' is also a new thing I recently learned during this ride of mine? wait for next part for details.
:-)
Hi Sandeep,
ReplyDeleteIt will pass... have faith & HOpe.
All the best.
Kamlesh
Keep looking to short goals complete them spend quality time with friends slowly slowly thing will turn +ve.
ReplyDeleteNemaji,
ReplyDeleteTime will heal all to bring freshness in you..Things will turn arround and you have lot more to do...
Faizal